Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation

Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.

Why it works

Plan B structures the conversation in a sequence that matters: empathy first lowers the child’s defensiveness and signals that their concern is real; sharing the adult’s concern second adds the other half of the problem; and inviting a collaborative solution last activates the child’s prefrontal reasoning rather than their threat response. The sequence only works in that order — leading with the adult’s concern triggers resistance before the child feels heard.

How to do it

1. Empathy step: open with a neutral observation and invite their perspective. "I’ve noticed [X]. What’s up?" Then listen and reflect until they feel genuinely understood.
2. Define the problem step: add your concern without negating theirs. "The thing is, I also worry about [Y]."
3. Invitation step: ask collaboratively. "I wonder if there’s a way to solve this that works for both of us."
4. Let the child generate the first solution; evaluate it against both concerns, not just yours.

Evidence

A randomized trial in a psychiatric facility found CPS significantly reduced restraint use and aggressive incidents compared to standard behavioral management. Randomized trials with oppositional children extend this: an initial RCT found CPS reduced oppositional behavior in affectively dysregulated youth, and a later head-to-head RCT found CPS comparable to established Parent Management Training for oppositional youth. (rct)

The strongest evidence comes from clinical/inpatient settings; generalization to typical home use is clinically supported but less rigorously studied in RCT form.

Sources

• Pollastri, A. R. et al. (2013). The Collaborative Problem Solving approach. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 21(4), 188–199.
• Greene, R. W., Ablon, J. S., Goring, J. C., Raezer-Blakely, L., Markey, J., Monuteaux, M. C., Henin, A., Edwards, G., & Rabbitt, S. (2004). Effectiveness of Collaborative Problem Solving in affectively dysregulated children with oppositional-defiant disorder: Initial findings. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 72(6), 1157–1164.
• Ollendick, T. H., Greene, R. W., Austin, K. E., Fraire, M. G., Halldorsdottir, T., Allen, K. B., Jarrett, M. A., Lewis, K. M., Whitmore Smith, M., Cunningham, N. R., Noguchi, R. J., Canavera, K., & Wolff, J. C. (2016). Parent Management Training and Collaborative & Proactive Solutions: A randomized control trial for oppositional youth. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 45(5), 591–604.

Common mistake

Skipping the empathy step and leading with your concern, which the child experiences as the usual lecture — activating resistance before collaboration can start.