E — Empathize with the offender
Try to understand the pressures, fears, or story behind what they did — without excusing it.
Why it works
Empathy and sympathy are emotionally incompatible with sustained anger — you can rarely hold both toward the same person at once. Constructing a plausible account of why the offender acted (their fear, ignorance, or their own pain) replaces the "monster" narrative that keeps resentment fueled. This is the step Worthington treats as the engine of emotional forgiveness.
How to do it
- Imagine the offender explaining themselves — not to justify, but to be understood.
- Consider the pressures or fears that might have driven the behavior.
- Hold "this explains it" separate from "this excuses it" — understanding is not approval.
Evidence
Empathy is the most consistently emphasized active ingredient across Worthington’s work and forgiveness-intervention research generally. The broader REACH protocol has been tested in randomized trials and meta-analyses showing it raises forgiveness and lowers depression and anxiety. McCullough and colleagues found empathy for the offender to be the specific variable that mediates the move to forgiveness, and Wade and colleagues’ meta-analysis confirmed the dose relationship — more session time predicts more forgiveness. (observational)
Effects are real but modest, and dose matters — more session time predicts more forgiveness; brief exposure does little.
Sources
- Wade, Hoyt, Kidwell & Worthington (2014), meta-analysis of forgiveness interventions, J. Consulting and Clinical Psychology
- McCullough, M. E., Worthington, E. L., Jr., & Rachal, K. C. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(2), 321–336.
- Wade, N. G., Hoyt, W. T., Kidwell, J. E. M., & Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2014). Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(1), 154–170.
Common mistake
Hearing "empathize" as "excuse" and refusing the step on principle. Empathy is for your own release; it never requires calling the harm acceptable.
Practice this with IX Coach
More practices for Forgiveness: The REACH Model
- R — Recall the hurt
Face what happened deliberately and calmly, without minimizing it or replaying it as a victim.
- A — Give the Altruistic gift of forgiveness
Recall a time you were forgiven, and offer forgiveness as a gift rather than a transaction.
- C — Commit publicly to the forgiveness you felt
Mark the forgiveness concretely — write it, say it, date it — so you can return to it later.
- H — Hold on when the hurt comes back
When resentment returns, don’t take it as proof you failed — recall your commitment and re-choose.
- Separate forgiving from reconciling
Forgiveness is internal and unilateral; reconciliation requires the other person to become trustworthy again.