Stop numbing vulnerability

Notice how you numb hard feelings — and feel them instead, because you can’t numb selectively.

Why it works

Brown’s research found you cannot numb emotions selectively: dulling pain, fear, and disappointment also dulls joy, gratitude, and connection. Numbing behaviors (busyness, scrolling, substances, perfectionism) take the edge off discomfort but flatten the whole emotional range, which is why the more we numb the less alive we feel.

How to do it

1. Identify your go-to numbing move and the feeling it usually follows.
2. When the urge hits, pause and name the emotion you are trying not to feel.
3. Let the feeling be present for sixty seconds before deciding what to do.

Evidence

The "you cannot selectively numb" insight is one of Brown’s most-cited qualitative findings, and it is consistent with broader research on experiential avoidance worsening distress over time. Gross and Levenson’s experimental work sharpens the specific claim: inhibiting emotion dampens the felt experience of positive emotion, not just negative, giving controlled-study support to the idea that numbing cannot be selective. (observational)

Brown’s claim is interview-derived; the related construct of experiential avoidance has stronger empirical backing in the clinical literature.

Sources

• Hayes, S. C., Wilson, K. G., Gifford, E. V., Follette, V. M., & Strosahl, K. (1996). Experiential avoidance and behavioral disorders: A functional dimensional approach to diagnosis and treatment. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(6), 1152–1168.
• Kashdan, T. B., Barrios, V., Forsyth, J. P., & Steger, M. F. (2006). Experiential avoidance as a generalized psychological vulnerability: Comparisons with coping and emotion regulation strategies. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(9), 1301–1320.
• Gross, J. J., & Levenson, R. W. (1997). Hiding feelings: The acute effects of inhibiting negative and positive emotion. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 106(1), 95–103.

Common mistake

Treating one numbing behavior as the whole problem (just the phone, just the wine) instead of noticing the underlying habit of avoiding discomfort, which simply migrates to a new outlet.